pensive now. to be honest, have been pensive for ages. never being capable of freeing this mind, taking away needless stuff being kept there, throwing away the trash i’ve collected from there, there, there, and there for years. always inhaling, never exhaling.
as this life heads to the end, the chaos in this grey matter gets bigger, heavier, unbearable…like a snowball rolling down from an acclivity, carrying away whatever stands on its way. one day the snowball will meet an immovable object. no matter how unstoppable and powerful the snowball is, that “unknown” immovable object will disrupt this random movement. seemingly, the snowball has only one purpose, that is to grow, become gigantic, be superior and greater than whatever one can imagine, and finally to reach the end. it’s like gravity! what the snowball needed was just a little push. there is every appearance that once upon a time i did give that push with these hands, now typing this (a sort of confession).
still thinking, repeatedly asking questions to myself, beating my brain… to figure out why i gave birth to the catastrophe, and why i don’t act to stop it, or at least lessen the pain it has caused. it’s really puzzling that i’m standing still, witnessing, and suffering from it, despite the fact that i’m kinda aware of what’s going on. so far, there is no answer I’ve got. watching forest through the window, listening to singing birds at dawn, walking around the lake, struggling to discover my limits in every area, etc. it’s really unfortunate. because no matter what i do, i cannot find an answer, not even a clue.
losing hope. spinning down to the ground. i’ve a sense of dread that i’ll soon hit the ground. scared but also eager to know how gazing at the ground from above through these jelly cow eyes would feel like while air will be kindly touching my skin.
still pensive but never stopping to collect trash from everywhere, and to help the snowball to get bigger and to roll down. why? as i said don’t know, haven’t found it yet. maybe there is no answer, nor question. maybe all is an illusion i’ve made up. well, i hope it’s not . because if there is neither question nor answer, what would i do then? unplug myself, probably!
anyways, i do believe (wanna believe) that there exist some certain questions and answers to these questions. speaking of q&a evermore, there is another possibility, which is kinda invisible, hidden, lost in the shallow waters, not seen by these jelly cow eyes, that i’ve already asked proper questions and got satisfactory answers to them, and but cannot see that they lie in front of me waiting to be comprehended, seen, felt, heard… hope this is not the fact! otherwise, it’d be a complete psychologic breakdown for me.
began to talk about the snowball and ended up somewhere else. this is what i always do when i write. not surprising, is it? maybe i’m trapped in a cycle, and arriving where i start all the time. however, every new line i write here opens up a new dimension through which i can view the cycle from a different angle. every new viewpoint takes away something from and of course adds something to me.
then, let me stop here and enjoy this new dimension!