Memorabilia I


No one is gonna save me, not even God. I’ve doomed myself to my own extinction. The light at the end of tunnel is slowly fading and this is distressing me. I can almost feel the presence of darkness covering my motionless body. Everything in memory already started to vanish. I’m missing out elements, people, sky, dreams… It seems they’ve gone forever. They have gone, haven’t they? I don’t know. I don’t really know. I’m hesitant about they had been here before. Could everything have been a hallucination? It could be. Why not? Since I’m simulacrum of myself, at least I think I am, every possible answer given to this question can be the true…

Do I feel any pain? Well, my body doesn’t! It doesn’t even know what’s going on up there in my head. It just obeys given orders, nothing else. It’s a perfect slave of this unconscious brain. However, what is behind my forehead blazes to death. Well, this hurts, hurts a lot! The pain itself is not physical but mental. Flames are going in a spiral to the ground where the consciousness itself is. It has not been fully entrapped. Otherwise how could I keep writing? But, I’m still doubtful about whether consciousness or unconsciousness of mine controls what I’m doing right. The questions give birth to new question and these new ones do the same. For God’s sake, I assume that the remaining part of my consciousness, I don’t how much it is, takes care of me and what I do now.

When and how did it begin? Let me take the first question. Unfortunately, there is no certain date of inception. It didn’t pop up in a certain time or place. It always made me feel its being. OK! Maybe not always but at least it has been there for about 8-9 years. That’s why it’s too difficult to date its beginning. In fact, I now don’t want to draw my attention to this insignificant question. I just don’t have time and energy, which I prefer to use for healing my pain, to afford for this.

How it began is as uncertain as when it began. Too much uncertainties! I hope there are some clues regarding these two questions, particularly the second one, out there. Unhappily, there is none. It reminds me The Big-Bang to some extent. None of those physicists has screamed “Eureka” and said “Yeah, I now know exactly how and when it happened”. The same is here. But not as desperate as those freaky guys. I’m kind of sure that if I carefully focus on every single detail that may have contributed to my current situation and place them to where they belong in this huge jigsaw puzzle, I may eventually get out of those question marks hanging in my mind and never going away.

So to speak, it’s gonna take too long to accomplish this process. I do hope I can clear off them before the light at the end of tunnel goes away forever and pushes me down from the edge of cliff. I better stop hopping and start doing something. Otherwise, the inevitable end will take me down to the ground.

Throughout these years I’ve breathing in and out, uncountable number of elements, people, dreams, etc. have somehow contributed to present. Of course, not all of them have had the same impact. Some of them have had none, some a tiny portion, some remarkable and some greater than all others…

The rest of what you’ve just read above will be somewhere here soon. I’ll try to do my best to deliver it asap but please consider that it takes time!

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