The state of my being seems like an endless reverie which has been something that I’ve struggled to get to know whole my life since I became aware of it. In other words, the endless reverie of mine has been a part of my life even though my consciousness let it to be. I have complained about it uncounted times, due to it has put a distance between my own existence and the life around me regardless of where I have been. It’d never worked out, though.
I have dreamed about a life in which I’m able to live by myself without being dependent anyone else in this life. Yeah, in this life, this fucking life! I have never satisfied with myself and the life I live. Being a part of what stands out there has always hurt me more than what I’ve anticipated.
The feeling, that convinces me that I am still one of those billions out there who endeavors to live their lives, is something that I am lacking of, even I admit it here. I’m fucking aware of this fact but meanwhile ignoring it is something that sickens me through this journey. It can’t be even imagined by no one how painful is to be aware of something but not to be capable of throwing it out. It irritates more than any wound known to human being.
Wanting to live according to what I’ve been fancying does not work out evidently. When there are two opposite states exist and one of them is currently stronger than the other one, what I dreamed of basically turns into dust and so, this situation makes me feel that I’m desperately attempting to make something out of it with wetting it a bit. Unfortunately, adding some water to be able to change the form of the dust to something I desire has not happened and seemingly won’t happen. No, I’m not hopeless but there is something should be emphasized that being idealist and being aware of what sort of boundaries of the system out there encircles me differ than each other and one of them, the second one, has been the most powerful one that rules the life that is lived by others.
I’ve been navigating my life in this endless reverie as strong as I can to stand up for the right that what has been a main part of my dreams deserves to live forever even the reality, that I’ve ignored has been pushing me under the water to drown me and my dreams in this ridiculous endlessness that has been considered as the new form of life, which seems to last forever, waits in front of me as an obstacle to stop me!
I’m out of my power and consciousness at the moment. Therefore, I’m gonna follow the white rabbit as Alice did, instead of bringing what has been inside me up.
Note that, probably none of you understand what I’m talking about. Well, no worries. Nor do I! OR I may do and not want to go any further OR may do and not know where to go.